Lack of opportunity or lack of Trust?

Sometimes, when given a few moments of silence, or when I read a book full of convicting messages about the work of God that Christians should do and are often fearful to do, I find myself wishing I were someplace else. Just somewhere that had more opportunities, more avenues, more developed programming for people my age and not just for the 18-22 range.

But, in the wishing for a different place, I feel a bit sheepish and with any amount of introspection thereafter, I discover the underlying issue.

I wish I were someone else. More motivated or active, someone who possesses more energy and drive, someone who was less fearful and who didn't live within such a small comfort zone. Someone who was not a homebody, who loved outside adventures, who had a vision of the future, rather than the future that I see which is always full of dread, full of the negative possibilities, fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of moving.

I'm often immobilized by fear. Whether or not the object of fear is worth fearing, I cannot tell you. But I know that I live in a world surrounded by fear. And that's scary.

I have become so calloused, firmly believing that one person can't really make a difference. Maybe if attached to an external organization, one driven by people who have vision, maybe then people, collectively, can make a difference. But I have seen no evidence that any one person makes a difference for good.

Beginning a book by IJM's CEO Gary Haugen, I've been pretty convicted that this stance is the typical American view. And it has brought many of us to lives of inaction. And it's a lie.

Upon this realization, though, I find myself asking, what am I supposed to do? How does this information change my life? Or, maybe more importantly, will I let it?

But how, and where, and when will anything change? And how do I trust God and people enough to open myself up to changing my views, but also my way of life? What will it mean?

At this point in my internal court room, the questions start rolling in. But how will this knowledge and any action taken upon that knowledge change my method of organization, my life, my job, my family? Will that be good change or bad? Where will it go wrong, as inevitably everything in life does anyway? How will I respond to that? Isn't it easier to NOT try to implement change and NOT deal with the ways in which I will not cope well with a new life transition?

You can see the fear taking over. Those questions, my whole internal system of analysis is borne of fear and lack of trust. And this is my typical mental process when encountering any and every thing around me.

Isn't it scary? This glimpse into the internal workings of a preoccupied mind that is full of questions and no answers. That has knowledge and very little action. That wonders who is even listening and if her own life change could ever really matter to anyone anyway.