A year ago...

Today is the 18th. Yesterday was a Wednesday.

A year ago on Wed., Sept. 19th was Nick's funeral. When I think of him still, my chest constricts a little. On facebook this week, I noticed one of his best friends has a profile picture of several of "the guys". Nick is among them. His smile, the biggest.

A year ago on this day, a Thursday, we had a birthday party at work and I broke down crying in front of all of my coworkers. I didn't understand, saw no hope, couldn't grasp the goodness that was lost to the world in this accident.

My ultimatum to God that week (something I wouldn't recommend doing) was this: "Something good had better come of this...You can't fix it, but you'd better do something."

That attitude obviously reeks of bitterness and grief. I was torn between knowing God is good and seeing the pain of a 4-year-old child now fatherless, a widowed 24-year-old, and the loss of a great man from our small community.

A year later, I still don't know the reason for Nick's death. Maybe there wasn't one. Maybe there is no moral lesson to be learned. Maybe it just was an accident.

But good has come of this tragedy, at least in my life. And that's the confusing and awesome and, at the same time, disturbing part.

You see, in the aftermath of Nick's funeral, a large group of my high school friends, which consisted mostly of guys in the graduating class after mine, spent the afternoon recovering at a local restaurant. Elizabeth and I sat down with some old friends and alternately shared stories and stared in silence.

Kyle W. was among that group, someone I hadn't seen in seven years. He sat at our 4-person table--Elizabeth, Kyle, Adam, and myself. I hadn't thought of him in years. And I guess it was that afternoon that he decided he wanted to get to know me.

Now, I would never presume to think that God wanted it all to happen this way. But I do believe that He orchestrates events, people, and timing so that good can come from evil. I didn't have to run into Kyle for the first time in seven years at Nick's funeral. But I did. And having something great happen in my life that was tied to that deep sadness was very much a part of my healing process.

We can never know the why's. Why is she so sick from that disease? Why did they die so young? Why do people suffer and why, God, am I so tremendously blessed?
We don't have these answers. But "From everyone who has been given much, much will be required" (Luke 12:48). I have been blessed...far beyond anything I could hope to deserve. I deserve nothing.

I don't know why exactly God chose this venue for Kyle and I to meet up after years of not thinking about each other. I don't know why this was the catalyst for our fantastic relationship. I don't know why, only a year later, we're getting married except that God saw a way to use our present circumstances for something great.

The last month has been so stressful and not, as one might presume, because of wedding details. Life and work have been unbelievably overwhelming. Crazy little things--both bad and just annoying--have continually plagued me. Sickness, a car accident, technology issues at work, etc. I have felt attacked and unprepared to deal with all of this.

Till Sara W. reminded me of this passage from our favorite author, Anne Lamott:

"So I've been on the lookout for something wonderful to happen because of this story I heard recently. Carolyn Myss, the medical intuitive who writes and lectures people about why people don't heal, flew to Russia a few years ago to give some lectures. Everything that could go wrong did--flights were canceled or overbooked, connections missed, her reserved room at the hotel given to someone else. She kept trying to be a good sport, but finally, two mornings later, on the train to her conference on healing, she began to whine the man sitting beside her about how infuriating her journey had been thus far. "

"It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said --gently--that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born--and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible."

(Traveling Mercies, pg. 107)

I'm excited to marry Kyle because I know, for once in my life, that this is the absolute Right thing to do. God has blessed it. Our families have blessed it. And we have no doubts that this is our next step. Everything that I've dealt with, all the hassles and irritations in the last six weeks, have been distractions from this one, most beautiful thing that is about to come into existence.

And so, you can see that I have a lot on my mind. My silence here does not mean that I am floating by on some disillusioned rose-colored cloud. I have a week until I'm married. I don't even know the half of how this is going to greatly impact and change my world. But I'm anxiously awaiting the day, the event, the symbolism and reality of two lives joining up for the rest of their journeys on Earth.

I hate beling alone when I'm sad.

Conversely, I hate being sad in front of other people.

There are the few friends in life with whom you can share the full gamut of emotions.
Still, crying is never a graceful or becoming thing to do.

Pray the sadness fades.