Hope...

Hope: to not give in to despair and cling to a dream

Since I was probably 12 years old, I have had one particular dream that has gotten me through a lot of discouraging times.

You see, I have terrible vision. I got glasses for the first time in second grade and my eyes continued progressing into myopia at such a steep rate that by the next year I had hard contacts. The goal was to allow the hard contacts to prevent such quick myopic transitions. If it worked, it was hard to tell. Today, my vision is a -13.5 in one eye and -11.5 in the other, both with increasing astigmatism. That makes me substantially more legally blind than most. My eye Dr. used to try to encourage me by saying that contacts can correct up to -20, but that isn't so encouraging anymore, considering my eyes just changed a whole number in one year.

The dream, a gift really, to a visually impaired little girl, was given to me by my eye Dr. "You can have LASIK. It can fix your vision, even vision as bad as yours." At the time, my vision was bad, but not terrible. I was thrilled and began saving for this procedure from that day on.

Well, things got in the way, of course. College and grad school. I had to use money for those things. But, after I got my first real job, I continued building my savings for one ultimate purpose--not a house, not a vacation, but to SEE. To finally see the clock when I wake up, or through the window, or, more recently, the face of my husband in the morning.

A few years ago, I had my first consultation. I knew I couldn't get the consult without having the money in hand to continue with the surgery. But I received devastating news that day. My vision was too advanced and my corneas too thin for the surgery. "You are not a good candidate for LASIK," he told me. I thought I would faint.

I cried all the way home. I cried all day. It was the death of a dream. I know this may seem dramatic, but I haven't been able to see since I was 7. That'll be 20 years this September.

In a cruel twist of fate, Kyle, the man I married, had bad vision too. But he was able to have LASIK and has been known to make comments about how life-changing it has been for him. Sometimes just knowing that is so frustrating. My dream didn't seem insurmountable, originally, and yet now...

The only possibility of corrected vision, for me, is a more intensive surgery--the implantation of a contact lens. Sounds insane, but could be awesome. Kyle has encouraged me to pursue it, and so after two years of nursing my heartbreak at the death of my dream, there is a little hope. They told me two years ago the surgery would cost $10,000, money that I did NOT have in hand. But the information I received today says it is only $7,000 (for both eyes).

There are two different types of ICL (implantable contact lens) surgeries. One puts the lens between your cornea and iris. This is a rigid lens that can be seen from the outside, if you look hard enough. The other surgery puts the lens behind your iris and the lens is more flexible and not detectable, except during an eye exam when they look back into your eye with the bright and painful yellow-blue light.

Whereas LASIK is a very quick procedure and recovery can be nearly instantaneous, the implanted lens, as you can imagine, takes more time to complete and recover from. However, I have a first-hand success story from which to glean information. A woman I work with had this surgery done several years ago, and, in her words, "it has changed my life".

I needed this hope to continue, since sight is such a precious gift. I have prayed since I was young for a day when I can wake up and see without glasses or contacts. Maybe in a few years, maybe in a decade, but I once again believe it could happen.

I think I'll start saving up my pennies again.