I'm frustrated mostly because I have no backbone. Because I want to stand up for myself, but when the moment presents itself, I can do nothing more than smile and speak no words. For the words that would spill forth from my mouth would most assuredly destroy any semblance of peace, of rapport, of goodness that I have previously established.
I'm letting people walk all over me. Instructors, landlords, friends. And it doesn't feel good. It leaves me feeling sick and sad and mostly alone.
Too often I feel that if I do manage to speak what's actually on my mind, it will destroy me, personally, more so than the person to whom the wrath is directed. The guilt I feel for saying nothing or doing nothing overpowers the guilt for thinking that I should divulge what I'm feeling.
This adds to the guilt complex I have regarding my faith and my "goodness" as a Christian. If I'm thinking these mean thoughts, what is the point of projecting smiles and kind words. Isn't that the essence of hypocrisy? Why would I want to let that dance in around my life?
It seems the upcoming changes--the necessity for professionalism, the new home, the living on my own for once, the second graduation (or, third, I guess), the living near a most wonderful friend--perhaps these things will give me enough inertia to focus my energies on developing a backbone.
2 comments:
A lot of times I would like to let people have a piece of mind, but don't. Sometimes it's because I'm in a work-related situation and sometimes I know I just shouldn't. Other times I know doing that would just make everything worse. However, I try to release that frustration in other ways like exercising or beating up little kids. Seriously, beating up little kids is a great way to relieve stress. You should try it.
I agree with chalupa...a good wack on the back of the head never really hurt anyone.
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