I sit here trying to focus my mind on the tasks at hand, but I'm scattered today. It's been one of those days where every blasted thing is like the biggest thing in the world. Why the drama?, I keep asking myself. But I give no answer. I'm sipping something I just discovered at the national coffee chain: Cocoa Cappuccino. Yes, please! It's delicious.
There is so much going on, but I feel all of it is boring. I say that merely to explain the lack of clever / exciting / intriguing / well-written content here.
I'm particularly dissatisfied right now with where I am in life. I find myself doing all these things to survive and nothing that helps me do that well. I don't have time for the contemplation that my introvertedness so earnestly desires. I want to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier to get more accomplished in the morning, but every time I try, I don't wake up early. I'm just getting more restless sleep.
Today I'm frustrated by my hip. I've been walking every day since the shot for about 30 minutes, which is to say at a slow pace and therefore only 1.5 miles at most. That is not really aerobic, but it's moving, which is something I haven't been able to do comfortably or regularly since August. Yesterday, I felt the strange twisting feeling behind my kneecap. The one that I know is nerve-related. Today, my inner hip is sore and incredibly tight, despite the 30 minutes of stretching I do every day. There is a very dull, but unfortunately present, ache in my hip...it's the nerve. This is the nerve pain. I just want it to be gone.
What to do with this disappointment? What to do with my desire to get back into shape, when I can in no way begin cardio? How can I be living if I'm simply coping with pain and getting through the days and weeks...living for the weekends when I can lie down to rest (for that is the only comfortable position, and even then, not for extended periods of time)? I want to read books that encourage me, not ones that are depressing and hopeless (my current class has only depressing literature). I want to engage with friends on a deeper level than I'm allowed. I want to visit people I haven't seen in years that live within a day's drive. I want time and I want to at least feel like I'm living somewhat of a worthwhile life. Right now, it simply doesn't feel that way.
Yes, that's a dramatic statement. I know. Today is a dramatic day. But these are thoughts that have been mixing around in my distracted little brain for many days and weeks.
How does one reconcile real life with the life you want? How do you make that happen?
5 comments:
I'm so sorry you are still dealing and coping with this pain. This really reminded me of my own struggle with back and leg pain from years ago but the feelings of depression and frustration aren't hard to remember from that time. Hang in there friend.
I give you the encouragement a good friend gave to me when going through a difficult time. ;)
Ephesians 3: I pray that out of his glorious riches he my strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power...to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know that this love surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
"Don't be afraid to be specific with God. Ask him for things. Tell him what you need to feel better, to function, to heal."
These are words I have read numerous times and felt comfort in.
Love and prayers over you.
You have blessed me beyond words with this encouragement, Les. Thank you.
I've always found it's the tiny little things that help - enjoy your favorite cup of coffee or tea, eat a favorite fruit, or take a moment to admire a piece of art someone has given you. Look for the spring flowers and birds. One phrase that always helps me in a difficult time..."This, too, shall pass". I wish for you blessings and wellness. Hopefully, every day will get a little bit better.
This may not be what you want to hear, nor is it what I want to hear, but I will share what I am finding (in my own frustration). That I have to come to the very end of myself. And there, when I'm past the selfishness and the perfectionism and the goals and even the hopes, when I am completely spent; I am amazed to find a beautiful place. In this place of frustration and vulnerability I turn to God and say, "OK. Fine! You have it. I CAN'T FIX IT. Plus, I don't care (but of course I do care)," just like a two-year-old in a tantrum.
And guess what. The circumstances don't always change, but I do. I am. And maybe that, all along, was what I really needed; less of myself.
Times of pain and distress drive us to the soul-searching that changes us. Hang in there. It will not last forever. Know that you are loved. I'll meet you on that mountaintop that surely has to be around one of these corners.
Thanks, Em. I needed this both the first day I read it, and today. And every day. All the time. It is so hard to remember and even harder to implement.
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