Reassessing My Position

It's the end of April and I need to pause a second to reflect. What has come of this school year? Of this semester? Of this month? Where am I?

This week I have met with yet another doctor to assess my lower back, leg nerve issues. The shot did help, but I still have pain. I have very good days with little pain at all, and then days like today, with quite a bit. Sitting always makes it worse, which is unfortunate since my job requires a lot of sitting and life requires a lot of driving. This doctor has assured me that by meeting with him twice a week for an indefinite amount of time, I will get better. He believes that in addition to the piriformis / sciatica issues, I have chronic lower back problems. Great! Add it to the list, people.

I have to admit that it is extremely difficult not to have a bad attitude about all of the medical professionals I've seen and monies we have spent on trying to fix this problem. It scares me to think what if this is what the rest of my life looks like? Maybe I'm just a chronic health money pit. More frustrating than anything to me, I think, is seeing how our savings are dwindling...that money is supposed to be stowed away for a house down payment. And here I am spending it on myself. On medical professionals who may or may not help. On ridiculously extravagant medical bills that make me wonder what the heck could possibly cost that much money based on what I know they did or didn't do for me!

I'm supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I kind of do. But at the same time, this 10-month ordeal is starting to make me question it. What is the point?, dear Lord, please tell me. I do, honestly, want to know. I need to see a higher purpose because I'm floundering in the needless pain. And yet, what is my suffering in the face of worldwide suffering? Ah, perspective.

Last night I completed my final exam for my course this semester. It's great to check off Year 1 of Grad School, Round 2. Only two more years to go (yikes). Hopefully, our situation will allow me to simultaneously work on my thesis while taking other courses. We'll see. If I continue to have semesters like this one, with little work, then it shouldn't be a problem. However, if they resemble the fall semester workload, there's no way thesis will get done. I think it is very possible to finish a semester earlier than planned. I'm hopeful.