I was tagged by a friend and thus challenged to divulge my darkest secrets…or at least 5 things that you don’t know about me.
This is quite difficult, as I have varying levels of friends and acquaintances reading this, meaning what Elaine, Liz, Cat, and Mike already know, other’s may not. I wonder if I really want too many other people to know these sorts of things. We’ll see how it turns out.
1) I’m still afraid of the dark. This fear stems from the fact that my eyes are pretty much worthless and I can’t see very well at night with my contacts or glasses, let alone without them. For me, sleeping is the most vulnerable time because not only would I be groggy if awakened and forced to defend myself, but I also wouldn’t be able to see anything, can’t really make out shapes or colors, and therefore, what use would I be in defense of myself? In conjunction with this theme of not seeing well, I don’t see well when driving beginning right before dusk and lasting through all hours of darkness. Alas, I still drive.
2) I’m a bad liar. I used to be able to pull one over on anybody. I lied up and down, forwards and backwards, sideways and any other way you could think. I was good at lying, well-practiced and convincing. I’ve snuck around and done some pretty ridiculous things, all the while lying through my teeth. I was convinced no one knew what was going on, but perhaps the only person I was successful at tricking was myself. My own delusions. Recently, I’ve been told by two good friends that I suck at lying. And here’s what I’ve deduced. My skill is diminishing because I trust people now. Before I decided it was worth it to invest in people (meaning prior to age 22), I lied to protect myself. From being hurt, from the possibilities that others might take advantage of my sensitivities, from being ridiculed because I was different. I lied because I needed control. The difference now is that people don’t scare me as much. Most people are good and won’t purposefully try to screw you over. Those that will try to do that, usually you can smell them from a distance, enough to stay away, to choose other confidantes. The other reason that I am not good at lying is because my face gives everything away. When I was, for all intents and purposes, dead on the inside, so was my face. This is not the case anymore, and the transparency of my emotions via my face is the result.
3) I want to be a mom. A good one, which is why for years I didn’t want kids. I couldn’t imagine that I’d be a good one, so I swore off the possibility. After watching my sister become a mother and building a friendship with my mom, I’ve realized how incredible this job is and how fulfilling it could be. Not that it also isn’t a lot of frustration and feelings of hopelessness. But if we’re going to be experiencing those feelings anyway (inevitably, I will no matter what I’m doing), there might as well be a reward for it – watching a baby turn into a person and, hopefully, into a friend. My family is the most important group of people in my life. I want to have that sort of support, that kind of joy, when I’m my parents’ age.
4) I’m a die-hard romantic. Despite my efforts to be extremely practical, there are images of happily-ever-afters in my mind, in my heart. Loves songs and love poems never cease to touch me, as do cheesy romantic comedies.
5) I am content. For the first time in my life, I have found true happiness. Since I was small, I’ve wanted to be 25, have a job, a place of my own, a life. Now that I have it, and I’m almost 25, I realize that all of the depression, the hate, the endless schooling, the unreasonable living situations—they were all to bring me to this place. They are stories, pieces of my journey here. I have the presence of mind to know that this sentiment, this feeling will not last forever. But for now, for this season however short it may be, I love my life. I would not trade it for another. I’m grateful for each of you who have brought me this far.
Thus ends my post with five things you may or may not have known about me. Hope you have a great weekend!
From my front door
The neighbors and I are separated by a 2 1/2 foot drift.
The side door that I can no longer use was held shut by a 3 foot drift, now (as you can see) much diminished.
Across my yard past the neighbor's. Mary Ellen is in her 70's, I would guess, and I know she didn't leave her house for at least 4 days. When I got back from Chicago yesterday, her driveway was dry as a bone, and I wondered why the same person didn't plow/shovel mine, since it was obviously in need.