It's the end of April and I need to pause a second to reflect. What has come of this school year? Of this semester? Of this month? Where am I?
This week I have met with yet another doctor to assess my lower back, leg nerve issues. The shot did help, but I still have pain. I have very good days with little pain at all, and then days like today, with quite a bit. Sitting always makes it worse, which is unfortunate since my job requires a lot of sitting and life requires a lot of driving. This doctor has assured me that by meeting with him twice a week for an indefinite amount of time, I will get better. He believes that in addition to the piriformis / sciatica issues, I have chronic lower back problems. Great! Add it to the list, people.
I have to admit that it is extremely difficult not to have a bad attitude about all of the medical professionals I've seen and monies we have spent on trying to fix this problem. It scares me to think what if this is what the rest of my life looks like? Maybe I'm just a chronic health money pit. More frustrating than anything to me, I think, is seeing how our savings are dwindling...that money is supposed to be stowed away for a house down payment. And here I am spending it on myself. On medical professionals who may or may not help. On ridiculously extravagant medical bills that make me wonder what the heck could possibly cost that much money based on what I know they did or didn't do for me!
I'm supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I kind of do. But at the same time, this 10-month ordeal is starting to make me question it. What is the point?, dear Lord, please tell me. I do, honestly, want to know. I need to see a higher purpose because I'm floundering in the needless pain. And yet, what is my suffering in the face of worldwide suffering? Ah, perspective.
Last night I completed my final exam for my course this semester. It's great to check off Year 1 of Grad School, Round 2. Only two more years to go (yikes). Hopefully, our situation will allow me to simultaneously work on my thesis while taking other courses. We'll see. If I continue to have semesters like this one, with little work, then it shouldn't be a problem. However, if they resemble the fall semester workload, there's no way thesis will get done. I think it is very possible to finish a semester earlier than planned. I'm hopeful.
27 April 2011
26 April 2011
The end of the line
If I had to ask myself tonight if I was doing my absolute best to prepare for my final....my answer would be...um, no.
Did I do dishes and make food last night instead of studying: Yes.
Did I watch TV for 3 hours tonight: Yes.
Did I go for a walk: Yes.
Did I do my stretches, which take 45 minutes: Yes.
Do I care about my final: Yes.
Although my actions don't really speak much to the last answer, it's true. I do care. But, on the other hand, it's only 10% of my grade, a grade which is, to date, in very good shape.
Will I pass the final: Yes.
And I will be oh-so-glad to be done driving 3 hours a week for 4 months!
Did I do dishes and make food last night instead of studying: Yes.
Did I watch TV for 3 hours tonight: Yes.
Did I go for a walk: Yes.
Did I do my stretches, which take 45 minutes: Yes.
Do I care about my final: Yes.
Although my actions don't really speak much to the last answer, it's true. I do care. But, on the other hand, it's only 10% of my grade, a grade which is, to date, in very good shape.
Will I pass the final: Yes.
And I will be oh-so-glad to be done driving 3 hours a week for 4 months!
22 April 2011
Phone Pics
Here are some cute shots of Quincy that I finally pulled off of my phone. Until today, I haven't known how to transfer pictures from my phone to the computer. Turns out, it's fairly simple, but incredibly time consuming as you have to do it 1-by-1 and the phone goes back to the main menu after each item, requiring about 5 different buttons to be pushed, and then every picture in order to be scrolled through. Ridiculous undertaking!
Dryer Kitty
Here's a new way to get a fluffy kitty!
Using my food-transporting bag as a resting spot.
Naturally.
What did I do?
Rope kitty.
While Kyle was learning all the knots for
his firefighter class,
Quincy enjoyed playing with it, also known as chewing.
This is the oldest picture on my phone, so I'm guessing
it's from August. He's so small in this picture!
Apparently, we're exhausting to be around.
One of my favorites.
He looks so proud and lion-esque.
He is sitting here, just so you know,
with his two front arms shoved into
Kyle's Doc Martens.
All of his body weight is resting on/in the boot.
He is a strange being.
Missed Milestone
Yesterday as I was driving home from class (only 1 week to go!), I glanced down at my odometer while I was chatting with Kyle.
100001.
Oh no! I missed it by one stinking mile! It hadn't occurred to me that when I left UIndy at 99,959 I would need to pay attention on my drive home so as not to miss Sophia's birthday! But, alas, I did.
I say birthday in a relative term. Birthdays are kind of like life milestones--Oh, congrats, you made it to 30, or to 50, etc. In a car it might be more like 50,000 miles then 100,000, then 200,000, and so on. I have a feeling Sophia will have a long life.
I got Sophia Bellona (goddess of wisdom and war) 6 years ago in April. Days after her delivery to me, she received hail damage during a typical Indiana spring tornadic storm. I never got it fixed. I should have realized it was her lot in life to receive such small, almost incidental, but still annoying dinks. Just this month I discovered a nice dent where a car door slammed into her (during my whirlwind trip to Wheaton), as well as a couple of line scratches in the driver's door from a car wash last week. Nice, Mike's Car Wash. Last fall I had a random fist-sized rock slam into the windshield out of NOWHERE one morning, and this deeply scratched the glass in several places, leaving red traces of the stone. It was weird. And let's not forget a few years ago when she lost an eye. She's been through a lot.
Anyway...despite these setbacks, she carries on, and quite well at that. Sophia has safely transported me at least 3 times to North and South Carolina, once to Michigan, a couple of times to Illinois and Ohio, and all over the state of Indiana. She's a really good car, aside from her very poor venting system (it blows out air even when everything is turned off, which is mostly irritating in the summer when it blows hot wind into the already stifling interior).
Here's a sad little picture I snapped this morning on my way to Marion. As I've traveled nearly 200 miles in 2 days, I only remembered to snap a milestone photo for her as I sat waiting for a light to change. 55 miles over.
100001.
Oh no! I missed it by one stinking mile! It hadn't occurred to me that when I left UIndy at 99,959 I would need to pay attention on my drive home so as not to miss Sophia's birthday! But, alas, I did.
I say birthday in a relative term. Birthdays are kind of like life milestones--Oh, congrats, you made it to 30, or to 50, etc. In a car it might be more like 50,000 miles then 100,000, then 200,000, and so on. I have a feeling Sophia will have a long life.
I got Sophia Bellona (goddess of wisdom and war) 6 years ago in April. Days after her delivery to me, she received hail damage during a typical Indiana spring tornadic storm. I never got it fixed. I should have realized it was her lot in life to receive such small, almost incidental, but still annoying dinks. Just this month I discovered a nice dent where a car door slammed into her (during my whirlwind trip to Wheaton), as well as a couple of line scratches in the driver's door from a car wash last week. Nice, Mike's Car Wash. Last fall I had a random fist-sized rock slam into the windshield out of NOWHERE one morning, and this deeply scratched the glass in several places, leaving red traces of the stone. It was weird. And let's not forget a few years ago when she lost an eye. She's been through a lot.
Anyway...despite these setbacks, she carries on, and quite well at that. Sophia has safely transported me at least 3 times to North and South Carolina, once to Michigan, a couple of times to Illinois and Ohio, and all over the state of Indiana. She's a really good car, aside from her very poor venting system (it blows out air even when everything is turned off, which is mostly irritating in the summer when it blows hot wind into the already stifling interior).
Here's a sad little picture I snapped this morning on my way to Marion. As I've traveled nearly 200 miles in 2 days, I only remembered to snap a milestone photo for her as I sat waiting for a light to change. 55 miles over.
13 April 2011
Mid-April? Really?
I sit here trying to focus my mind on the tasks at hand, but I'm scattered today. It's been one of those days where every blasted thing is like the biggest thing in the world. Why the drama?, I keep asking myself. But I give no answer. I'm sipping something I just discovered at the national coffee chain: Cocoa Cappuccino. Yes, please! It's delicious.
There is so much going on, but I feel all of it is boring. I say that merely to explain the lack of clever / exciting / intriguing / well-written content here.
I'm particularly dissatisfied right now with where I am in life. I find myself doing all these things to survive and nothing that helps me do that well. I don't have time for the contemplation that my introvertedness so earnestly desires. I want to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier to get more accomplished in the morning, but every time I try, I don't wake up early. I'm just getting more restless sleep.
Today I'm frustrated by my hip. I've been walking every day since the shot for about 30 minutes, which is to say at a slow pace and therefore only 1.5 miles at most. That is not really aerobic, but it's moving, which is something I haven't been able to do comfortably or regularly since August. Yesterday, I felt the strange twisting feeling behind my kneecap. The one that I know is nerve-related. Today, my inner hip is sore and incredibly tight, despite the 30 minutes of stretching I do every day. There is a very dull, but unfortunately present, ache in my hip...it's the nerve. This is the nerve pain. I just want it to be gone.
What to do with this disappointment? What to do with my desire to get back into shape, when I can in no way begin cardio? How can I be living if I'm simply coping with pain and getting through the days and weeks...living for the weekends when I can lie down to rest (for that is the only comfortable position, and even then, not for extended periods of time)? I want to read books that encourage me, not ones that are depressing and hopeless (my current class has only depressing literature). I want to engage with friends on a deeper level than I'm allowed. I want to visit people I haven't seen in years that live within a day's drive. I want time and I want to at least feel like I'm living somewhat of a worthwhile life. Right now, it simply doesn't feel that way.
Yes, that's a dramatic statement. I know. Today is a dramatic day. But these are thoughts that have been mixing around in my distracted little brain for many days and weeks.
How does one reconcile real life with the life you want? How do you make that happen?
There is so much going on, but I feel all of it is boring. I say that merely to explain the lack of clever / exciting / intriguing / well-written content here.
I'm particularly dissatisfied right now with where I am in life. I find myself doing all these things to survive and nothing that helps me do that well. I don't have time for the contemplation that my introvertedness so earnestly desires. I want to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier to get more accomplished in the morning, but every time I try, I don't wake up early. I'm just getting more restless sleep.
Today I'm frustrated by my hip. I've been walking every day since the shot for about 30 minutes, which is to say at a slow pace and therefore only 1.5 miles at most. That is not really aerobic, but it's moving, which is something I haven't been able to do comfortably or regularly since August. Yesterday, I felt the strange twisting feeling behind my kneecap. The one that I know is nerve-related. Today, my inner hip is sore and incredibly tight, despite the 30 minutes of stretching I do every day. There is a very dull, but unfortunately present, ache in my hip...it's the nerve. This is the nerve pain. I just want it to be gone.
What to do with this disappointment? What to do with my desire to get back into shape, when I can in no way begin cardio? How can I be living if I'm simply coping with pain and getting through the days and weeks...living for the weekends when I can lie down to rest (for that is the only comfortable position, and even then, not for extended periods of time)? I want to read books that encourage me, not ones that are depressing and hopeless (my current class has only depressing literature). I want to engage with friends on a deeper level than I'm allowed. I want to visit people I haven't seen in years that live within a day's drive. I want time and I want to at least feel like I'm living somewhat of a worthwhile life. Right now, it simply doesn't feel that way.
Yes, that's a dramatic statement. I know. Today is a dramatic day. But these are thoughts that have been mixing around in my distracted little brain for many days and weeks.
How does one reconcile real life with the life you want? How do you make that happen?
05 April 2011
Easier than imagined
I got my second cortisone shot ever today. First one in my hand, and afterward it turned an awkward shade of blue and swelled to at least twice the size. It was terrifying. It felt eerie. I knew all of this going in to today, but now, since I was getting this shot in my...booty, I wasn't sure what to expect.
Would the whole thing really turn blue? Would just the one cheek?
Okay, so I'm not going to share who my doctor is, but when I first met him 2 weeks ago, I was flabbergasted. It feels like he's always telling a joke, but he delivers every line, or statement, or question 100% deadpan. He repeats himself every few seconds, even if you've already started answering the question he just asked and is now repeating, word-for-word. He talks over you. He confuses me, but for whatever reason, I trusted him. And, after my second opinion a few days later, I decided to go ahead with the shot. With him administering the shot.
This doctor and his nurse are probably two of the only medical professionals I've ever met who seem to have a seriously developed sense of humor. They smile; the nurse laughs...a lot. They joke. Helps to put one at ease, especially when one knows they are about ready to stick a needle in one's backside.
Kyle came with today, as I needed a driver in the 10% chance that my entire leg would go numb and I wouldn't have control of it. (I was mentally prepared to be a part of that 10%...chances, with me, are very high for the slim percentages.)
The shot and recovery took 5 minutes, okay maybe 8. The worst part was the stick from the local anesthesia needle. My leg has felt numb, tingly, extremely heavy and uncomfortable all day. But there isn't really pain. Not the same pain I've been having for 9 months which led to today.
I count today a success. I look forward to the lessening pain and getting back to a life I want to live, one with regular exercise including running. (Not anytime too soon, of course, but a girl can hope for eventually, can't she?)
Would the whole thing really turn blue? Would just the one cheek?
Okay, so I'm not going to share who my doctor is, but when I first met him 2 weeks ago, I was flabbergasted. It feels like he's always telling a joke, but he delivers every line, or statement, or question 100% deadpan. He repeats himself every few seconds, even if you've already started answering the question he just asked and is now repeating, word-for-word. He talks over you. He confuses me, but for whatever reason, I trusted him. And, after my second opinion a few days later, I decided to go ahead with the shot. With him administering the shot.
This doctor and his nurse are probably two of the only medical professionals I've ever met who seem to have a seriously developed sense of humor. They smile; the nurse laughs...a lot. They joke. Helps to put one at ease, especially when one knows they are about ready to stick a needle in one's backside.
Kyle came with today, as I needed a driver in the 10% chance that my entire leg would go numb and I wouldn't have control of it. (I was mentally prepared to be a part of that 10%...chances, with me, are very high for the slim percentages.)
The shot and recovery took 5 minutes, okay maybe 8. The worst part was the stick from the local anesthesia needle. My leg has felt numb, tingly, extremely heavy and uncomfortable all day. But there isn't really pain. Not the same pain I've been having for 9 months which led to today.
I count today a success. I look forward to the lessening pain and getting back to a life I want to live, one with regular exercise including running. (Not anytime too soon, of course, but a girl can hope for eventually, can't she?)
04 April 2011
Monday, for the win!
Can't say I normally heart Mondays. I always have a long afternoon shift at the Desk, which is typically fairly boring and the keyboard hurts my hands, so I try not to use it too much.
Today was Kyle and I's first Monday evening of rest together since...well...August. I had a Monday night class last semester and this semester he had Monday night classes. I didn't even realize how monumental this was until calculating it right now. I just knew it was kind of a big deal.
We'd decided over the weekend that we wanted Pizza Hut, so tonight seemed a proper celebratory time. Kyle also got a first-Monday-of-the-Month free rental from the RedBox, so we grabbed Tangled, snagged a few Fantas from the fridge and settled in with pizza, fresh veggies, and the movie. It was so funny, the food--delicious, the evening--wonderful.
But, back to the real world...or not. Tomorrow we both have a 1/2 day of work, as I'm scheduled for my cortisone shot in my piriformis muscle to relieve this incessant sciatica.
Today was Kyle and I's first Monday evening of rest together since...well...August. I had a Monday night class last semester and this semester he had Monday night classes. I didn't even realize how monumental this was until calculating it right now. I just knew it was kind of a big deal.
We'd decided over the weekend that we wanted Pizza Hut, so tonight seemed a proper celebratory time. Kyle also got a first-Monday-of-the-Month free rental from the RedBox, so we grabbed Tangled, snagged a few Fantas from the fridge and settled in with pizza, fresh veggies, and the movie. It was so funny, the food--delicious, the evening--wonderful.
But, back to the real world...or not. Tomorrow we both have a 1/2 day of work, as I'm scheduled for my cortisone shot in my piriformis muscle to relieve this incessant sciatica.
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