They say that the best things in life are worth fighting for, they're hard to get, they involve intense struggles.

At the end of my summer, here in the last days of July, I'm exhausted. The highs and lows of my 25th year have all happened within this two month time frame. I'm still reeling.

The good news is I'm learning my own strength, that I can withstand more than I ever imagined, that I am capable of communicating even when I try to run away and am prevented from it. My life of conflict avoidance is officially over. By force or by choice? Not sure. Maybe some of both.

I'm sitting here in front of my computer in my own home and I'm happy and sad all at once. Relieved to be home. Sad to be alone. Yet blessed to know and feel that I am loved, even from a distance.

I will spend the next three nights in my own bed, a novelty for this summer, effectively doubling the nights spent in my dear bed since June.

Though I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work and climb the mountain of work I left in my wake as I sped toward summer break, I start officially on Sunday by flying to Denver for a Librarian Conference concerning my favorite part of my job -- Reference. We're a dying breed, us Reference Librarians, and the purpose of this gathering is to begin a change in what we do, how we operate. It's actually exciting to me, but my tiredness at present is keeping my enthusiasm in check.

Thanks for putting up with a really lame summer of posts from me. I promise to do better as the year (my school year) begins.

I have so much to be thankful for--most of which I was able to see, smell, and touch this summer: nieces, family, dear friends, my heart's home (the desert), my soul's home (the beach), my parents' home...the list goes on.

Every one who reads this, know that I appreciate you individually for who you are, for what you have brought to my life. Thank you.

Read this

Our drive across six states to the South Carolina beach brought us through curvy mountains, torrential downpours, and flat Midwest corn and soybean fields.

My favorite bumper sticker of yesterday's trek home was on the back of a van that drove way too slow in the West Virginian countryside where it's mostly too dangerous to pass. So we were able to read this bumper sticker over and over while we followed.

It read:
When Jesus said, "Love your enemies," I think he probably meant "Don't kill them."

I know...it's been forever

My life is going uber-fast. I can't even begin to explain how much I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes in the past month: wedding decor, wedding cake, wedding dress, wedding favors, wedding reception, taking care of children, driving several hundred miles, wedding consultations, insane doctor visits, playing with kids at the park, running into old friends, shopping for ribbons and fabric, making innumerable calls to vendors of various wedding-related products...

I can't breathe. But it's not all bad. After being apart from my fiance for two and a half weeks, I was able to spend nearly five days with him doing a variety of fun things. Saturday, Sara W. and I spent our evening with John Mayer and Colbie Caillat at the Verizon center. Indescribable.

I've now been home for about 8 hours total in the last month. I've been doing laundry the whole time, and trying to get on top of my finances and bills, while considering movies, music, and clothes to pack. Sara's right, though, we're going to be on the beach, so pretty much a bathing suit and towel are all we're going to need.

All of this mumbo-jumbo is to say, I won't be posting for yet another 10 days. Sorry, my faithful readers. There are many pictures to post and many hilarious stories to tell, but no time for now.

See you on the flip side!

Photo essay of June 10th

I was instructed by highlighted map to a picnic spot at the top of this blocked-off road.

This was to my back, a setting sun and mountains of saguaro.

What I found at the top of the restricted access road—Nothing.

And this path, which opened up to this:

And this:


Where he was…waiting for me like he’d been there forever.

At this most beautiful place

in this most beautiful state,

I promised to love him forever, even though I already knew I would.

Yesterday, I went back to get these pictures with some of my favorite Arizonians

Turning insults into compliments

Probably my favorite comment from Maddie this last week came as she was practicing writing words. Not yet in Kindergarten, she is very into spelling and writing, and does most of it phonetically.

She wrote me a message, giggling all the while, and brought it over to show me.

"See, Aunt Lana. It says, 'Hey, Aunt Lana, you're a baby!"

I looked down and read: "Hey, Aunt Lana, you are a BABE!"

She rocks. Obviously.



Another time, she was holding a squirmy Katie on her lap and responded to her grandma's request to help clean up:

"Well, I'd really like to help ya, but I've got this full grown kid on my lap. I'm handling a heavy kid."

Additions

I started out life with two sisters and a brother.

I never really considered what it would be like to add to the ranks of my siblings. Never realized that marriages would bring people in.

When Franz joined the family, I couldn't have been more thrilled to have another brother. And then Emily Jane found Evan and it seemed like she'd been a part of our family forever. Somewhere in there, we adopted a family from North Carolina and for once I had a little sister.

I decided that in my wedding I want my sisters to stand up with me, and when I counted them, I realized I have five, because I'm gaining another one from Kyle's family. Amy has always been someone that I admired and appreciated on numerous levels. I'm ecstatic to be able to call her sister here very shortly. No one matters more to me than these girls. I'm honored to have them support me on such a monumental day for me.

I can't neglect to mention, however, that I'm also gaining two brothers. Unbelievable!
Yay!

And the good times roll

Being the primary care-giver for the girls these last 4 days has been quite a challenge. Not to say I hate it. I don't. In fact, I very much enjoy the hilarity that their little jokes and antics bring to my days. But the emotional adjustment to having an aunt 24-7, instead of parents, has been quite rough for them (and for me).

"It's not that you're doing a bad job, it's just that I'm used to my mom and a babysitter for maybe a couple of hours, but not you and not all of the time." (Maddie, age 5)

At least she is mostly reasonable and you can ask her to explain her feelings and, miracle of miracles, she can. Katie (age 3), on the other hand, hasn't really been vocal about it. Meaning, she hasn't said too much about being upset, it's just extremely apparent in her grouchiness and her fear of sleeping alone. Also in the fact that she hadn't defecated in three days and today left me the most unbelievable pull-up full. Wow.

Here are some snippets of conversation that Maddie and I have shared in the last four days.

"Is God real?"
Upon my affirmation that He is real, she said, "Well, is Santa Clause real, too?"
I swallowed hard, prayed for God to forgive me, and chose not to be the one to give her that reality check.

In our discussion of God's presence and reality in the world, we talked about how he sends angels to watch over people, especially children.
"All the kids in the world?" she asked, incredulously. "Well, then, I think there must be six thousand, one hundred and six angels watching over all the children. Even the ones that are sixteen. Maybe even the ones that are, like, a hundred!"

Upon her direction, our conversation turned to good and evil, God versus Satan.
"Satan must have, like, two angels, and God has a hundred, right?"
I assured her the ratios were something like that.

There couldn't be a day with Maddie that didn't somehow involve talking about clothes and appearance. I fear for her as a teenager, but for right now, it's hilarious. She and I were laying on our sides on the couch our first afternoon together. We were both wearing pink and both thought we looked pretty good. She studied my shirt for a moment and said, "Um, not to be rude, but I don't think, if I were you, that I would have bought that shirt." Completely taken aback, I had no words, so she continued. "I mean, it's a little too open right here." She pointed to my chest. "I don't think I would wear that again, if I were you." Laughing at that point, I had to explain that it wasn't so "open" when I was standing up. Gravity affects us in the most unfortunate ways sometimes.

Another cute moment: "You have a freckle on your lip. That's pretty cute!"

Evidence that she can be sweet.

Music is also a very big part of Maddie's life. When Stevie Wonder's song "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" came on the radio yesterday, she listened intently to the words and then blurted, "I think you should sing this to Mr. Kyle. He'd really like the part where it says 'Here I am, baby'."

And finally, as we've been exchanging emails with her parents while they travel the world, it's been good for her to work on composing letters and awaiting responses. When she heard that her parents had escargot at dinner and that they want to take her on another cruise so she can try it again, she exclaimed, "That Rocks!" And instructed me to email her mom back saying, "That rocks, and because you said it, Mom, You Rock!"

So, four days in, we are starting to have fun. I see much more fun in our remaining week and a half.