Midday reflection

I have no memory of a more beautiful August than this one -- little rain, yet enormous cumulus clouds streak the sky every day. The fluffy kind that Katie and Maddie love to imagine into animals and people and other random fun things. The kind the Care Bears lived on. Endless, cotton-esque, and peaceful.

Every afternoon as I leave the library for lunch, I think to myself, "this day is the most beautiful one yet. "

I've seen a lot of the sky, too, as I've been driving day and night, flying to and fro (I saw the most magnificent sunset above the clouds as we flew over Kansas and Missouri last Tuesday), and jogging outside whenever I have a free moment.

As the mayhem of work and life overwhelms me, I look up and am at peace. In those brief calm moments, I can almost hear the entirety of Creation singing. I always want to join in.

So don't forget to look up in the days ahead. Watch the clouds for a minute or two. Remember that peace is always there just waiting for you to notice it.

An interesting consideration

When I turned four, a lot of changes occurred in my life. We moved from a snug little ranch style house by the elementary school to a huge, 3-story home on the lake with a hilly yard surrounded by a woods and a field. That Christmas of 1986 (see the photo), I received one of the best presents ever: a grey teddy bear (by the tree, near Evan's feet).


Because I was brilliant at four years old, I named him Teddy. Mom even wrote his name "Teddy Bear" in white puffy paint on his beautiful maroon satin bow. Teddy became, from that moment on, my constant companion.

He's traveled with me everywhere--camping trips, church camp, on family visits to cousins in other states, to grandparents', to slumber parties, to overnight sporting events in high school, to college in the dorms, in apartments, the crazy house I lived in during grad school and to my first lone-dwelling. The only time I have forsaken him was my 4-month study-abroad trip to Ireland as a junior in college. I reasoned that he took up too much space in my limited suitcase allowance, so I traded him for an equally grey, yet much tinier hippo that I've had since I was very young, as well.

I realized a few days ago that I'm trading in this cute, cuddly grey stuffed animal for a much larger, more bony, person-sized bedfellow. And I'm not sure what to do with this. It's true, the new model will actually be able to converse with me, rather than providing silent support of my rantings. This is a positive. But consider the converse: the new model moves freely of his own volition. He could punch me in the face while sleeping or push me out of bed if he's angry.

I have a strong desire right now to read The Velveteen Rabbit. I always knew Teddy had some sort of real element, just like the toys in that story. I worry that I'll hurt his feelings if I leave him on the guest bed, or worse yet, put him into storage somewhere.

In talking with a cousin who shared similar sentiments about a stuffed animal, she explained that while she sleeps with her dog less often, she could not fully forsake him once she got married. Once you've slept with a thing for 22 years (as I have), something isn't right about not having that thing present. Twenty-two years. I haven't done anything that long (or longer) except live. It's no wonder I balk at the idea of tossing him aside. And yet...how can I keep him?

* Disclaimer: I realize that in disclosing this element of my life, you may come to believe that I am a sentimental fool. Who sleeps with the same stuffed animal for over twenty years? Who waffles over giving it up when the prospect of sleeping with another person presents itself? Who IS this girl? Well, I am a sentimental fool who doesn't like changes in routine, let alone in life. I'm a girl who assigns meaning to nearly everything by naming it (car, computer, stuffed animals, etc.). I'm a girl who believed in The Velveteen Rabbit and all that it stood for, who places importance on inanimate objects to make life more enjoyable. I'm that girl, the one who discloses too much information by way of her blog, just so her friends and family will keep reading.

And we have it...

The first RSVP for the wedding!!

One of my great-aunts is the most prompt invitee ever. Love that! I didn't even know if she was connected to the Internet.

Seven weeks to go, and most things are in order.

They say that the best things in life are worth fighting for, they're hard to get, they involve intense struggles.

At the end of my summer, here in the last days of July, I'm exhausted. The highs and lows of my 25th year have all happened within this two month time frame. I'm still reeling.

The good news is I'm learning my own strength, that I can withstand more than I ever imagined, that I am capable of communicating even when I try to run away and am prevented from it. My life of conflict avoidance is officially over. By force or by choice? Not sure. Maybe some of both.

I'm sitting here in front of my computer in my own home and I'm happy and sad all at once. Relieved to be home. Sad to be alone. Yet blessed to know and feel that I am loved, even from a distance.

I will spend the next three nights in my own bed, a novelty for this summer, effectively doubling the nights spent in my dear bed since June.

Though I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work and climb the mountain of work I left in my wake as I sped toward summer break, I start officially on Sunday by flying to Denver for a Librarian Conference concerning my favorite part of my job -- Reference. We're a dying breed, us Reference Librarians, and the purpose of this gathering is to begin a change in what we do, how we operate. It's actually exciting to me, but my tiredness at present is keeping my enthusiasm in check.

Thanks for putting up with a really lame summer of posts from me. I promise to do better as the year (my school year) begins.

I have so much to be thankful for--most of which I was able to see, smell, and touch this summer: nieces, family, dear friends, my heart's home (the desert), my soul's home (the beach), my parents' home...the list goes on.

Every one who reads this, know that I appreciate you individually for who you are, for what you have brought to my life. Thank you.

Read this

Our drive across six states to the South Carolina beach brought us through curvy mountains, torrential downpours, and flat Midwest corn and soybean fields.

My favorite bumper sticker of yesterday's trek home was on the back of a van that drove way too slow in the West Virginian countryside where it's mostly too dangerous to pass. So we were able to read this bumper sticker over and over while we followed.

It read:
When Jesus said, "Love your enemies," I think he probably meant "Don't kill them."

I know...it's been forever

My life is going uber-fast. I can't even begin to explain how much I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes in the past month: wedding decor, wedding cake, wedding dress, wedding favors, wedding reception, taking care of children, driving several hundred miles, wedding consultations, insane doctor visits, playing with kids at the park, running into old friends, shopping for ribbons and fabric, making innumerable calls to vendors of various wedding-related products...

I can't breathe. But it's not all bad. After being apart from my fiance for two and a half weeks, I was able to spend nearly five days with him doing a variety of fun things. Saturday, Sara W. and I spent our evening with John Mayer and Colbie Caillat at the Verizon center. Indescribable.

I've now been home for about 8 hours total in the last month. I've been doing laundry the whole time, and trying to get on top of my finances and bills, while considering movies, music, and clothes to pack. Sara's right, though, we're going to be on the beach, so pretty much a bathing suit and towel are all we're going to need.

All of this mumbo-jumbo is to say, I won't be posting for yet another 10 days. Sorry, my faithful readers. There are many pictures to post and many hilarious stories to tell, but no time for now.

See you on the flip side!

Photo essay of June 10th

I was instructed by highlighted map to a picnic spot at the top of this blocked-off road.

This was to my back, a setting sun and mountains of saguaro.

What I found at the top of the restricted access road—Nothing.

And this path, which opened up to this:

And this:


Where he was…waiting for me like he’d been there forever.

At this most beautiful place

in this most beautiful state,

I promised to love him forever, even though I already knew I would.

Yesterday, I went back to get these pictures with some of my favorite Arizonians